In my world, feelings predominate. My mood and emotions swing from what I feel at the moment. It can result to the extreme of extremes depending if it is coming from a heart-warming compliment or stinging rebuke. When feeling well, confidence and joy flow overwhelmingly. When feeling down, I contemplate and question. My emotions are often unfiltered. I often cloud my thoughts with feelings, and they manipulate me into doing what my heart has desired me to do. 

As a consequence, I always feel belittled and shamed. I feel frustrated when something I worked hard for did not go according to what I planned. I get anxious when I see myself being put on the spot. Criticism rattles me. In short, my emotions are jumbled up as they go on a roller coaster ride, and they do not come and go. It’s an everyday dilemma. It’s a maze that I always endure to solve. 

For those who face life like I do, we feel intense pangs of joy and deep wells of despair more intensely than the average person. We feel and think with our hearts. We treasure deep and meaningful relationships. Everyday, we endure merciless quizzical looks and taunts from the people around us most especially from those who are dearest to our hearts. That being said, it makes ill-situations even harder to confront. We always hear things like, “Why do you take things personally?” ” Why can’t you act normal like everyone else?” “It’s not the end of the world, stop acting like that.” How belittling, but truth be told, these hurtful judgments are just few of the arbitrary things we face everyday.

Then we come to a point where we just toughen ourselves up to mask our emotions because we got tired of how people judge and misunderstand us. We often camouflage our emotions and suck up whatever occurs at the moment. We stopped asking for help. We deny help. We toughen up, demean ourselves and become guarded. 




I want to run away. Far away. To a place where no one knows my existence. Or maybe it is just better to end my existence.

I have tried, and I have failed. I do not know if there’s anyhing else I can do to save myself from drowning. Every fucking day, I sleep with tears in my pillow, pondering what have I done wrong this time. I wake up in the morning and I start my day walking on eggshells. I have to be careful with everything that comes into my mind and everything that comes out of my mouth because for every wrong turn I can be blamed and will surely end up with either guilt or regret. I wake up everyday hoping this day will be better than yesterday. Well, am I an idiot to live like this? Keep your thoughts to yourself. I am already aware of the obvious.

Yes, life is full of uncertainties, but I am tired of the “come what may” kind of living. I am tired of being an option. I am tired of waiting. I have been waiting. I have been patient. Really patient. The loose ends that I have been trying my best to put a knot on does not seem to work. What else can I do? How will I know when to stop? Shall I keep trying?

They are asphyxiating, the monsters under my bed and the smothering vines in my head. They consume me at dusk and they follow me at dawn.

I just want this to get this over with. Here I am, giving my last goodbye.

What’s worth

What’s worth

It was a late evening. I found myself sitting inside my car, staring at the dark horizon of the pacific coast. I was there alone, pondering about my life’s decisions. I was wondering how come I have gotten myself in this situation far long. Far long enough I couldn’t take another breath. You know that feeling when you’re holding down your breath underwater up onto your lungs couldn’t take it much longer? That was it. 

I couldn’t take it much longer. I feel stupid. I feel like I’m such a waste. I feel like everything I have done in life is completely a mistake. Then I felt that urge of walking down the eery beach, so I could just dissappear. I wanted to go underneath the water up until the dark seas could swallow me up.

I couldn’t even recall how far long ago I could consider myself happy. Genuinely happy. I have limited myself from doing the things I used to love. I have bombarded myself with tasks, responsibilities and what-nots. I am exhausted. I am in a crisis.

At 24, yes, I have accomplished a lot of things. I made myself capable of supporting my needs and wants. I have attained privileges some people dream of, but then I found myself in a situation where I couldn’t find any reason to go further. Then I told myself, “Fuck, what’s going on? Why am I letting this happen? I know better. I should know better.”

As tears ran down my cheeks, I heard a knock on my window. It was a police officer asking me if I was okay. Of course, I was not. Well, I didn’t say that, and he obviously knew I was lying. He politely asked me to leave the area because it was almost midnight, and it was not safe for me to be there by myself. He told me that everything is going to be alright. I agreed, thanked him and apologized.

As I was driving along the coast, it started to pour. Tears and raindrops dripped simultaneously. As if God was telling me, “Hey, you. Stop being an idiot. I’m pouring this down on you so you wouldn’t make yourself any stupider. Go home, kid.”

I had no destination in mind. I drove and drove up until I feel weary. I made a pitstop at a liquor store, and bought myself a good bottle of vodka. Then I decided to go home.

Now, it’s almost 5am, and I’m laying down in my bed, wide awake, nothing but alcohol and caffeine in my system. I’m now picturing my disgusting situation few hours ago. If that police officer didn’t bother to ask me how I was doing, I could have put myself in danger. He saved my day.  My life. Yes. He bothered to ask. Now, I’m safe and sound. 

If you find yourself in a situation, asking of your life’s worth, think of that stranger who bothered to ask me if I was okay without any judgment or whatsoever even if I lied to him upfront and told him I was fine. His small gesture was worth another day in my life to conquer.