In my world, feelings predominate. My mood and emotions swing from what I feel at the moment. It can result to the extreme of extremes depending if it is coming from a heart-warming compliment or stinging rebuke. When feeling well, confidence and joy flow overwhelmingly. When feeling down, I contemplate and question. My emotions are often unfiltered. I often cloud my thoughts with feelings, and they manipulate me into doing what my heart has desired me to do.
As a consequence, I always feel belittled and shamed. I feel frustrated when something I worked hard for did not go according to what I planned. I get anxious when I see myself being put on the spot. Criticism rattles me. In short, my emotions are jumbled up as they go on a roller coaster ride, and they do not come and go. It’s an everyday dilemma. It’s a maze that I always endure to solve.
For those who face life like I do, we feel intense pangs of joy and deep wells of despair more intensely than the average person. We feel and think with our hearts. We treasure deep and meaningful relationships. Everyday, we endure merciless quizzical looks and taunts from the people around us most especially from those who are dearest to our hearts. That being said, it makes ill-situations even harder to confront. We always hear things like, “Why do you take things personally?” ” Why can’t you act normal like everyone else?” “It’s not the end of the world, stop acting like that.” How belittling, but truth be told, these hurtful judgments are just few of the arbitrary things we face everyday.
Then we come to a point where we just toughen ourselves up to mask our emotions because we got tired of how people judge and misunderstand us. We often camouflage our emotions and suck up whatever occurs at the moment. We stopped asking for help. We deny help. We toughen up, demean ourselves and become guarded.